Learn the person
I study triggers, perspective, body language, history, and what happens around the reaction.
How I help
Understanding comes before change.
I learn the person deeply, reflect what I notice, and help him become curious about his own patterns.
My method
A clear mirror, followed by useful practice.
Reflect the pattern
I act as a clear mirror, without judgment, so the person can understand his own experience.
Invite curiosity
We ask what the pattern is protecting, whether it is helping, and what another response could make possible.
Practice and connect
We build clearer words and responses that fit the situation. Parents learn the same way of looking when appropriate.
One tool I use
Five connected RULER skills.
The five skills work in order: notice, understand, name, communicate, and respond.
Recognizing
Notice the clues that tell you an emotion is happening.
Recognizing
Notice the clues that tell you an emotion is happening.
What it meansUse the situation, facial expression, body language, tone of voice, energy level, body sensations, and triggers as clues.
Why it mattersA person cannot understand or manage an emotion that they have not noticed. Recognition creates the first pause between “something is happening” and “I am already reacting.”
A real life exampleInstead of noticing only the yelling, the person learns to notice the tight chest, faster voice, and feeling of being corrected that came first.
Related articleLearn why feelings can sometimes be hard to noticeUnderstanding
Understand why the emotion showed up and what it may be responding to.
Understanding
Understand why the emotion showed up and what it may be responding to.
What it meansLook at the present situation, past experiences, expectations, beliefs, fears, patterns, and the other person’s point of view.
Why it mattersWhen we understand why a reaction makes sense, we can respond to the actual problem. Otherwise, we may keep correcting the visible behavior while missing what continues to create it.
A real life exampleThe argument is not only about being told no. The no may have triggered an older feeling of having no control or not being taken seriously.
Related articleLearn why a small trigger can cause a big reactionLabeling
Find a word that accurately describes the emotional experience.
Labeling
Find a word that accurately describes the emotional experience.
What it meansMove beyond broad words such as “mad,” “bad,” or “fine” by building more accurate words for emotions and body sensations.
Why it mattersDifferent feelings need different responses. Disappointment does not need the same help as embarrassment. Anxiety does not need the same help as panic. A more accurate word gives everyone a clearer idea of what is needed.
A real life example“I’m angry” becomes, “I felt embarrassed when everyone heard the correction, and then I became defensive.”
Related articleLearn why emotional language may not come naturallyExpressing
Communicate the feeling in a way the other person can understand.
Expressing
Communicate the feeling in a way the other person can understand.
What it meansChoose a form that fits the person, relationship, and moment. This may include speaking, writing, art, movement, or asking for time.
Why it mattersHaving a feeling is not the same as communicating it. Clear expression gives another person a chance to understand and respond instead of having to interpret tone, silence, sarcasm, or behavior.
A real life exampleInstead of walking away and slamming the door, the person learns to say, “I am too upset to talk respectfully right now. I need twenty minutes, and then I will come back.”
Related articleLearn what can make speaking feel saferRegulating
Choose what will help you respond instead of reacting automatically.
Regulating
Choose what will help you respond instead of reacting automatically.
What it meansUse the first four skills to choose what helps next: breathing, movement, a boundary, a change of environment, support, a more accurate thought, or time before responding.
Why it mattersRegulation is not forcing yourself to feel calm. It is having enough choice to respond in a way that protects your goals, values, safety, and relationships, even while the emotion is still present.
A real life exampleThe person notices panic, understands what triggered it, names it accurately, explains that they need support, and chooses a grounding tool before making a decision.
Related articleLearn how the pause before a reaction can be builtRULER (opens in a new tab) was developed by the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. I use these five skills within my own social and emotional language therapy work. This page is not an official RULER program.
Contact
Start with a short conversation.
Ask your questions and hear how I would begin.
Toms River · Telehealth in New Jersey & New York