Why Struggling to See Another Side Is Not Stubbornness

When someone can’t see past their side of the story, it rarely means they don’t care.

It usually means listening feels unsafe.

Not unsafe in a logical way.

Emotionally unsafe.

For many people, holding only one version of the story is not about control.

It is about protection.

What It Looks Like on the Surface

From the outside, it can be exhausting.

He argues every point.

He shuts down when someone disagrees.

He gets defensive fast.

He insists he’s right.

He can’t tolerate another opinion.

It can look like stubbornness.

Or ego.

Or immaturity.

But that is only what it looks like.

What Being Stuck in One Side Often Protects

Underneath, something else is happening.

If his side is challenged, he feels exposed.

If his version is questioned, he feels invalidated.

If another perspective enters, his own feels at risk.

For him, disagreement doesn’t feel like discussion.

It feels like erasure.

So holding tightly to his story becomes a way to stay grounded.

A way to feel safe.

A way to stay intact.

How This Pattern Often Develops

Many people never experienced having their side fully heard.

Their feelings were corrected.

Their explanations were dismissed.

Their experience was minimized or rushed past.

So the nervous system learned something quietly.

If I don’t hold my ground, I disappear.

If I soften, I lose myself.

If I listen, I get overridden.

Once that belief forms, perspective taking feels dangerous.

Not generous.

Not curious.

Dangerous.

Why Telling Someone to “Just Be Open” Backfires

When someone can’t hear another side, the instinct is to correct them.

“Listen better.”

“Be more open minded.”

“Stop being so defensive.”

But to them, that doesn’t feel like guidance.

It feels like dismissal.

It sounds like: Your side doesn’t matter right now.

So their body does what it learned to do.

It tightens.

It defends.

It holds on harder to the only story that feels safe.

The more they’re pushed to open up, the more they protect themselves.

Because perspective cannot grow where safety is missing.

What Actually Builds Perspective

People learn to see others once they feel seen themselves.

When their side is acknowledged first.

When their experience is held without correction.

When listening does not cost them their voice.

Safety comes first.

Perspective follows.

Not the other way around.

The Long Term Impact If This Is Missed

When this pattern goes unaddressed, it spreads.

Relationships become battles.

Conversations become rigid.

Conflict escalates quickly.

Connection thins out.

Not because the person is unwilling.

But because listening feels too risky.

Over time, this quietly limits intimacy, growth, and trust.

A Better Question

Instead of asking:

Why can’t he see past his side of the story?

Try asking:

Did I ever truly hear his?

Because struggling to see another perspective is often not about refusing to listen.

It is about protecting the only place that ever felt safe.